“Don’t Loose Yourself Learning How to Fly”

Part of my deal with myself was to be real with this blog. Often I read blogs that talk about how fantastic everything is, all the time, without fail. Rainbows and pink unicorns everywhere. And that’s all fine and great- I love reading the happy and I love reading about rainbows. But I also wanted to make this blog true.

Today sucked. It really sucked. I woke up homesick and upset because I still haven’t found a place to live and last night was my last night at my AirBnB. I’m moving to another AirBnB in Logrono tonight. I’m feeling frustrated and angry and stupid. And it’s all at myself, which makes it harder to rationalize.

It’s also the first day that I’ve felt like giving up. Everyone is saying the right thing, “You have to ride this out.” But I just want to be a straight-up child, stomp my foot, and not ride this out.

My being upset isn’t about the city (it’s an amazing city) or the people (I’ve met some really amazing people). It’s about things going wrong and not having the ability to change them. It’s about missing family and friends, and watching people carry on with totally normal daily frustrations that you haven’t thought about in a week because you’re here. Dealing with things like your next meal, and not being homeless. It’s about not speaking fluent Spanish (making everything intimidating), and not having a vehicle so commutes are essentially hard/impossible.

I’ve had to change my plans and question them multiple times. Do I live here and commute an hour? Do I live in Calahorra? Arnedo? Where do I live?!

Obviously, this isn’t a walk in the park; and it was never going to be. The worst part is that all I want to deal with right now is missing home, just your average homesickness. Add on all the additional stresses, and it feels like too much.

Of course, God only gives us what we can handle, but mierda I don’t want to handle it anymore.

So me and Gilmore Girls are going to hang out for a bit, and then I have a meet up tonight at 10 with other people like me from all over La Rioja. Hopefully some of us can float around in the same boat and commiserate.

Listening to this on repeat and trying to come to terms that I’m okay. I’m not homeless yet, and I did make it across the Atlantic alive. So that’s like what, two points?

**Update: My new AirBnB host just told me not to live in Calahorra. “It’s easier to build a life here.” It’s like a bad joke on repeat…